Mitch Hedberg quotes

[Okänd]

Tillägnade den amerikanske stå-upparen som tyvärr avled för en liten tid sedan.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get ahold of me, they just say "Mitch," and I say "what?" and turn my head slightly.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't s'posed to be downtown. There's nothin' for 'em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, "Let me have a bun." But she wouldn't sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "Alright, well, put some lettuce on it," which she did. She said, "That'll be $1.75." I said, "It's for a duck." And they said, "All right, well, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub - but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!"
"I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!""
"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.".."
I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man, sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis, too much fucking meat on the sandwich, it's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like, sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." "What kind of bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana, you got banana bread?" "What kind of cheese?" "Cottage" "Get the fuck out! I am not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich. That will severely ruin my reputation."
I opened a yogurt and on the inside of the lid it said, "Sorry, please try again" Apparently they were having a contest that I was not aware of. I thought perhaps I had opened my yogurt improperly

[Hellzon]

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Squash är jäkligt Zen...

Soft snubbe. Synd att jag tydligen har missat honom fram tills nu.